When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
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