The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
