I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
