The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
