thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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