if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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