you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
