I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
