my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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