she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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