thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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