Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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