ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
