I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Randomize
