Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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