Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
