I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
did you just send me my own nude
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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