Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
