census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize