Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Drunk is not a location!
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
