I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
