Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize
