Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
