i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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