Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
