if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
