My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize