my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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