it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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