What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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