Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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