Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Randomize
