I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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