apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
you traded sex for a burrito?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
