I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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