I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
