Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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