Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
