You made me cry and you don't even care
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
