just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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