Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Randomize
