i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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