ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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