I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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