I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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