We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
