It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
