Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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