everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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