I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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