the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
