So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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