i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
