I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
