I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
