the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
